Tuesday, 23 September 2008

A break up, Sound off!!

I am at the tail end of getting over a break up I am not quite there yet but near the point where I can think about the other person and not slump back into wishes for a dead season. It's taken a lot of work and time and a ton of support from many a listening ear from all over everywhere but it seems things are starting to work.

Usually I don't say too much about personal situations like this I am far more likely be to more discrete or dot around the edges of the subject concentrating more on what I am doing rather than what happened and why it came to be.

However this time I need to get a little bit angry....I need to say a few things that has made my persona draw a little blood after an emotionally brutal period of my life...but no let's not sell the drama and too much imagery could distract from the issues I want to make clear.

So let's actually get to the point.

A break up is usually horrible and almost always 50/50 in terms of fault,whether ether party wish to acknowledge or appreciate that fact at the time is up to them, but it's not surprising within the fury of a FINAL argument that this particular fact isn't understood by the warring factions.

So then it's wise to clear the area of conflict for a time and give each other time to breath because if you don't the chances are frustrated passion and shattered dreams will turn into hatred for each other.

Contact at this point is hard because you are both going to in a state of shock this lends itself well to a numb sense of being polite to each other. Only being able to work in simple forms of "hellos","Hope your well" and maybe the odd "I'm sorry it ended like this"....for a time this keeps a lot of unnessecry hurt at bay.

The problem comes when you have been through all the motions that lead you to need to contact the other person if person A has collected all their things from person B's place there is really no need for person A to contact them. This point gains even more purchase if person B is seeing another person at this point.

Then you realise or I should say more truthfully now I realise the amount of utter loss that comes from a break up.

I don't wish for things to be back as they were because that cannot happen but to suddenly have to act in a way that you have to pretend the other doesn't exist any more not only makes me sad but angry at the total waste it all is.

To me this is what I lost:

- My best friend

- My belief support

- A person who believed I wasn't the things that I worried about being

- My lover

- My soul mate (connecting on lot's of different levels)

- My companion

- A woman who liked some of most obscure stupid,silly and down right daft things that I liked

- Home

- Future

- My love

That list makes things sound completely bleak but I assure you I have managed to claw a lot back with help from friends,family and my own will. I put a lot of the loss down to my inexperience with long term relationships I also put the loss down to the woman I was with thinking I was the man she had been looking for all her life.

The bigger tragedy is I wasn't I may well be to somebody else but not the woman I was with,she may have thought so at the time but as hindsight is always 20/20 it was only something she could have known for sure after being with me for a while. I am learning to accept that she wasn't the one for me ether and none of my anger is directed at her but all of it is at the total waste of losing someone I would have gladly been a friend of the rest of my life. I used to have a hand fasting ring which basicly meant that we were together and under pagan law acted as marriage (she was Dianic Wiccan you see) but for the life of me I can't find it which I guess is symbolic.

The good thing about writing about this on a blog which is kept as a record is that at some point I can look back at it from a much better position and with a little luck may even see the situation I am in right now as something quite alien.

This is only the end of round 1 the fight has barley begun :)

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Other Places.

I have set myself up so that I have a skill for work (massage) and with hard work and application I should be able to take this to the work place for a job I can get more satisfaction from. I will always have my writing to and will keep doing this for whole of my life and as long as I am writing there is always the possibilty I may get lucky and get a professional contract.

This Monday I have an interview for a job I don't really want but I shall give it my all anyway for the fact that I need the money and if anything it's good practice. However I get the feeling that I don't have anything to keep in U.K much longer,don't get me wrong I do loke the U.K but I keep feeling that I need to explore somewhere else I don't know if I want to grow old in this country.

I have family here but you have to live your life for the things you need and want to do,I did have someone here who I wanted to marry but that broke up and I am but a bad dream to the other person.

So what do I do?

Prior to meeting my ex I had plans to moving out the country but when I met her I saw no reason to be anywhere else but by her side and the fact I didn't want to be anywhere else but with her. She wanted to stay in the U.K and I was more than happy to stay here because I couldn't imagine being without her.

Things change.

In some ways I find myself back at sqaure one but then not completely because this time around I am armed with more knowledge than I had been before.
Still again I feel the need to not only finish moving on emtionaly but moving on physicaly I want to start something else in another part of the world,I want to experences something other than what I have where I am.

I am uncertain as to weather I have left it too late I am only 29 but that is old in terms of immigration to certain countries. I have the idea of Canada in the back of my mind and maybe I will do it I am unsure but one thing I am sure about and that's adding new things to my life.

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

In the works

As of now W.E.B has been submitted to a friend of mine called Rog Pile (he runs The British Antholigy Hell Forum and publish horror short story collection Filthy Creations) he told me previously that the story disturbed him.

No...not in the sense that he felt he had to call the law but in the sense that it was a decent horror story,which I admit was a relief because you can never tell if anyone likes what you do until they read it.

Hopefully even if this doesn't see the light of day on Filthy Creations it will be good enough to submit elsewhere. I am also working on another story that has the working title of The Fabric Condition,it's going quite well and I have my sights to submit it to a publication I have been to afraid to send it to before (mainly due to the sheer amount of professionals who write for it).

I am modestly optimistic about getting a green light for it's inclusion but seeing as it's not even written yet I won't get too ahead of myself. Sculpture another story that is complete will be submitted somewhere to but I need to get my hands on it as it's with someone else right now and they are not that easy to contact,I am fairly sure I do have a copy elsewhere however.

Then there is Ogre a taleI haven't quite got to grips with yet but I am now finaly thinking about turning my attention towards it and giving it a final crack even if the outcome isn't perfect.

Also expect two other themes to pop up in two future tales that are in note form at the moment those themes being The Wild Hunt and The River Thames.

The later I have have some exciting plans for.

So for those who read this to see how my writing is getting on there you are I think I am finaly starting to get some wheels moving and producing a little more than I have previously :)

Sunday, 7 September 2008


How can I score points
And win back your trust
Where our two hearts join
There's a sign of rust
From the tears you've cried
With the times i've lied
To the two of us
I don't think that I know what to say
In my heart I want you anyway

I Want You

By Squeeze