A few horrible links.

Well links to my audio horror work that you may not have heard and yeah I do have to keep writing this thing as if anyone reads it. It's quite cool that this blog has been going since I was 26. I am now 38!

It's not often updated but that's the norm I guess but at least I can show you a few things of what I have done:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLVIIpvTL3c&t=79s




That's a story called Bull that I did for a series called Fragments of Fear.






https://www.mixcloud.com/LoriHajiTura/tgs-01-something-else-came-by-james-stanger/

This is for a story I did for a friends radio podcast, a story called Something Else Came.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmYRL6xhdf8&t=2s

...and there's a an interview I did for Fragments of Fear.

Hope you enjoy all of that. Looking forward I am hoping on starting out my own audio horror projects. Possibly my own podcast, time will tell. I'll link it here if I end up doing such.

Two years absence...

There has been  another gap between this and the last entry, though this fares slightly better than my writers blog which has gone without anything new since 2011.

As an excuse however I can say my efforts with writing have taken on to things like Social media, something of which has developed beyond personal vanity in the 5 years gap. I think it has at least, well you can at least put your writers page on there now and it reaches people quicker.

I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore but I don't think that's the entire point, what I will do however is put a link up on my Facebook page this blog and no doubt if have read this far you would have arrived here via that link.

Life is exciting like that.

I actually have a few ideas of what to put in this blog later on, I could go on endlessly about politics but to put it nicely...FUCK OFF!

I do indulge in that but Facebook makes it so that you get utterly sick about reading about it and feel even more jaded with writing about it. So I think something else will suffice for now. Something I enjoy and find interesting and if you like it well...that's the ticket.

I'll find out what exactly I want to do here as time goes by and maybe one day I can make a book out of it and thus burn it afterwards.

New home.

I suppose it's a good idea to talk about the fact that I am going to getting my own place soon(ish) and when I say my own place, no I don't mean I will own it.

I just mean a place to call my own space. Weirdly life worked out so that I ended up doing this at 35!

Now 35 is pretty old to be doing this a number of my freinds and peers and are mortgages. With me I was at college and up until my mid-twenties and then I met someone and moved in with her for about 3 years. We broke up and I spent two years at my parents retraining for a different career path. That didn't work out but I started talking to my ex and we made up and again I moved in with her this time for about 4 and half years.

Now we come to the present day and here I am back at my parents only this time I am going to be getting my own space because let's face it I am far too old to be with my folks and I am not waiting to move in with some. No that's a bad idea.

I often wonder just how many people my age are in exactly the same situation as me, I never really managed to crack moving away when I was much younger. I worked enough to be able to afford to do it but I also enjoyed spending that money and I had my own difficuties that made things ten times harder.

I suppose there is no outstanding, striking reason for me to be telling you all this but you may well feel you know me better by reading this. 

A whole year.

This blog was pretty much forgotten. If not forgotten it was stored in the dusty recesses of my brain with a well meaning intention of writing it again.

Then someone asked to see it and I had the chance to look at it again, I understood that this is what I was doing only in pad paper form.
I felt that I had something fresh to write again and that my perspective was worthy of putting in a blog. Let me tell you that a lot has gone on in the time of the last entry. Things I will explain later and in more detail. It's nice for now to just come back here.

I would like to try and brighten up the place however or at least renew things.

I'll be back again, I promise.

Weeds keep returning.

I think at this time it is wise I restart my blog, my own personal blog. Not the writing one that has been the source of much frustration and dissapointment (much like my actual writing or lack thereof) but instead my own.

For my thoughts and maybe for my own sanity.

It suits me that there are millions of these pieces of personal muse on the internet because burial feels secure and warm in the seasons cold day.

Putting down something personal actually feels more painfull in retorspect, the honesty stings when time has elapsed. To look back upon how you felt and what you have written about makes me skin crawl.

I have no idea why.

I think it's a form of acute embarassment along with the fact I hate reading my own writing in the main.

I need to articulate how I have been feeling for last two months, you see a depression unlike I have felt in a substaintial amount of time has transported itself over me. Currently brooding it's black mass over my head I do not really know what to do to shift it and maybe worst of all I do not know if it is worth doing so.

Feeling completely lost, exsaughted and ready to just give in brings me to a destination where I look out and wonder what exactly I have done or achived throughout my time.

Just faliure and relenting when I should persisted.

You may think you are in emotional trouble when you feel the pain but I think I have out the truth is that you are in trouble when you feel numb. Or at least jaded with the odd invasion of incredulios laughter.

So all of that, what I have just written. What is it for?

Well nothing as such, nothing you can use but maybe a step in getting this inky loathing out of my system.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to think, if what I am thinking is correct, if it's wrong, if what I am feeling is wrong, how to be right, why to right. All ecompasing confussion and ever growing gllom fogs my heart and I just want to curl up and dissapear to somewhere other than here and be anyone else other than me.

The flats cold.

It's as simple as, up too early on a saturday morning and the flat is too cold and I don't even think I have enough milk for a cup of tea.

Bollocks.

A few more detials on the blog change.

Just so all that read this know I am going to be changing this blog for the better,my persoanl accounts and feelings on all and sundry is now here. I am not sure what yet as I am yet to create another account and move my personal stuff to said address.

This new blog will be about small press horror reviews,my writing and stories and whatever I feel makes good reading and relates to the small presses and horror.

Well it will develop but the main themes will be Small press horror publications (leaning towards the British ones) and my own writing.

Keep your eyes peeled...with an AXE!

Facelift.

No not me,mostly because the only facelift I could afford right now would be by a mad surgeon who would claim that I could stay awake while it happens which would result in some kind of physical death...or something I think I am trying to be funny *shrug*

No what is actuley going to happen and thanks to beautiful friend of mine Geoergy this blog will be getting a spruce up :)

It will look fantastic when done so watch this space :)

Oh and I hope to include reviews of Underground small press horror publications when done as well as the other usual blabber :)

See you soon.

Same old stock.

Watching an advert on an old video casette I had I thought,see the song that was on it was one of those Arthur Askey type songs.

"...busy,busy bee...something something"

I don't remember exactly how it went but the main point was that it was a silly song...no more like a ditty about a bee going around being busy and the singer thought about how delightful it would be to be one dashing from flower to flower on a barmy English summer day.

The song made me think of my nan as this is exactly the type of music she would sing to me as a boy,she used to like silly tunes such as this. Meaningless happy little numbers that were made just to enjoy.

Then the next advert came on and it was a Pepsi one,the celebs employed this time were the Black Eyed Peas and I thought...how the HELL did we get to the point were sex sells EVERYTHING!

It's really sad,no tragic and I don't yearn for times were you could leave your door unlocked becuase "there were never no trouble 'round 'ere when those lovely Kray twins were in charge guv",but it's horrible how the Pepsi advert didn't even seem to be focussed on their drink but rather the sex appeal of the band and the teenagers (who the viewer are supposed to be) that appeared on it.

Now obviously I am man #768908645 to go over this subject and other far more eridite have tackled this topic but at which juncture did the human race race get to where they couldn't have fun without sex being top of the agenda.

Why do the women always have to be attractive in the manner of which the Greek mask of symetrical beauty dictates?

Why do guys have to be muscular to be THE man?

Since when did we live in a world where only people of a certain shape have sex or sex appeal anyway?

Infact I give it five years before Ronald McDonald turns into a coquettish,burlesque whore,well it's someones wet dream I suppose.

This wouldn't be so bad if there was a refuge from this type of advertising,an alturnitive that wasn't asexual but an affirmation that there is simple fun to be had without the burnt-suger taste of over-sold fuck based advertising.
This is advertising companies fill our world in sich a complete,air tight manner we can't breath well unless you want to opt-out of a country that doesn't use electric.

See porn...fine porn without sex is knitting but at the same time knitting advertised with sex is more pearl necklace than pearl-one.

See it's like this they promote a product with sex because they fool us into think that we gain have more sex by proxy of buying said product. Problem is sex is never what is really being sold it's the I-Pod or Police sunglasses or whatever.
They the advertising companys sells sex without ever having said product on their shelves but they don't care because all they wan tto do is fool you into think you are buying sex appeal when really you are just purchasing a phone,trainers or aftershave.

Funny to think people find prostitution to be a decietful game,strange to say but at least the have what they are selling. However saying that it's sad it's theor to buy anyway :/

If they tell you...

If they tell you...

You are a bleeding heart.

Tell them...

At least my hearts alive.

If they hate you...

For the fact you have ideals.

Love them...

For being easier to defeat.

If they humliate you...

For feeling pain not yours.

Smile at them...

Empowered by joy borrowed.

If they harm you...

Because they think you're weak.

Stand back up...

Because you know they are afraid.

If it should go dark...

Because we neglect our hearts.

Shine like brilliance...

Because that's whom you are.





To the reader,that's about you :)

Sleeping habits.

Something has to give and it ethier my sanity or a regimented sleeping pattern I am not a betting man which is good as the odds don't feel to great for ethier horse.

I don't even think this song is that much of a new tune for me to sing it's certain that being asleep at the right times isn't something I feel comfertable with but it is something that I have to do so that I can do the things I need to do.

...and I have tooth ache,I am a little afraid of dentist but that's a poor excuse everyone is to a degree,well unless you have hollywood teeth.

Oh I know I promised this blog would be a place about me moaning about my stuff I suppose that makes me the lamest rebel alive,swap Marlon Brando with a skinny,unsure pale Englishman and the Norton with an oyster card and you kind of get the picture of the type of rebel I am. I sometimes place my forehead against my reflection and stare at myself just wondering why I don't have a clue or if I do and I just don't know what clues look like.

I need to write this however because the whole idea is that I can look back at this and see where I have come from and see that I am able to lift myself up from being down. The blog as a whole reads up and down,it's quite insightful and I am glad I didn't put a total ban of mentioning my private life on here as well...there is a degree of sucsess there.

Hope is something I always hold onto and life can't wrestle that from my hands and I dearly wish for that to be true for you the reader(all 3 of you...well I say three but the ratings arn't in yet :P ).

Maybe in a new series of Cracker Robbie Coltrane could use blogs as a method to gain a phsycological sense of anatomy for his suspect.

Mind you it would be a short episdoe if there was only one entry written that read:

"I done dem murders and kilt all dem people...signed Tony Bobbed"

Yeah well you may have not laughed but an attempt at a sense of humour drags you through the dregs of cyclic depression ;)

Have a good night/day.

Tribute.

Rest In Peace [i]Andrea Waddell[/i] a former nieghbour and a person who cared for others and the enviroment around her.

Taken in the cruelest manner but now in a place where no cruelty exsists:

In the time that past...

...I managed to pass my massage course and I was sent the certificates through the post but not before I started to panic as to weather they would reach me AT ALL!

However they did and now I have a skill that I am unsure as to how I can get into the work place with,there are ways but I don't have my own place yet and there is a massive slump in the jobs market.

I should be getting some sort of practice but it's been more difficult than you would imagine :/

What you have to remember.

I think it's important to know that your feelings are only justified for yourself,don't think for one second another feels the same.

You can never assume,it's an unfair practice you have to be careful you have to be aware. Expect to be in trouble if you let yourself feel too much because those warm waters can grow cool and make you feel ill.

Neevr wallow.

Always feel secure in being a fool because living means falling and fooling encourges this.

I think the worst piece of advice I was ever given was..."be yourself".

Spellin aynd grammar....!?

I have been reading my blog and it has come to my attention that at times it hurts to read it because of all the damn spelling errors and poor grammar.

I am working on this as I like to call myself a writer(but you probably call me something else) so I think I better act a bit more like one :/

NOT on these Shores.

BNP and all you kin be of no unsure mind or confused state that you prey on this country with insidious means and employing tools of treachery
Your party inflates social demons with your gaseous speeches that serve only one purpose,to drive exhilarated fear in the hearts of Britain's people like a super-fuel into the engine of a motorcar.

If you can get us to loathe and despair those different from us and those in the minority in this nation because of your self created beasts your spoils are panic stricken votes submitted by people who believe in the deluded notion that you can withdraw a fictional poison which would sooth or ills.

The BNP swirl illusions that they are the vanguard of a moral vision,that they foster a dream that only the true grain of Britain's wholesome bread consists of.
If this thin veneer is what you the voter is fooled by be prepared for the bleak bitter taste of intolerance to wash back up and the members of the party to vomit black tidal waves of freezing,constricting totalitarian vomit.

Unworry about it.

Worrying is a huge waste of time if you don't actually have anything that demands your immediate attention to fix.

So the basic idea is if you have your health why worry?

I think if you live anywhere within reach of of a tap and a hot meal you will know that as noble as that sentiment is,it's not enough.

Still it's apparent that we worry about a LOT more than we should and worry is at detriment to achieving the things we want. Strange thing is we worry about the things we haven't done,lack in our lives,or the defficencys of our character/physicality's.

However the more we worry about them the less we do about them case in point ME ....so what do I worry about...well have a look:

- Not getting a job

- Ending up living at home the rest of my life

- Not finding someone to love

- My weight (surprisingly I need to put it on)

- Thinking every nasty thing that people have said about me is completely true and I have hardly any redeeming features.

That last one is a biggie and a bit complex but it's there never the less,anyway I worry about all these things but none of them are life threatening,none threaten me with immideate danger.
So logically they shouldn't be on my mind as things that make me sick with fear...they do but it doesn't make complete sense.

So if I stopped thinking about so much it terms of things that I feel are of grave concern than there is more chance of me doing something about them.
The other fact is that when you just let yourself be you find that some things do not have a lot of evidence to back them up.

The last worry inparticular....I could pick far more false examples of me being nasty than I could real ones. Nobody is perfect so accepting the real ones as part of human nature just paints you as a normal person the false ones are only made because you feel you have to justify the fear in the first place.

Being in the moment and getting lost in that moment also makes for a good way to exorcise worry the past and future are ether gone and lost or unrealised and unmade respectively.

So why worry about something that you have no control over if it has passed or indeed sabotage because it is yet to become.

I think if I get lost in anything in life it's worry,it's the fear of no matter what I do I ruin it for myself because I am afraid to do well but the good thing is if I am my own enemy I know myself better than anyone. Hence I know how to make friends with myself better than anyone.

I am quite sure because I have clean water,food,a roof over my head and people who love me I feel that I may need something to worry about because it's unnatural to have everything you need.

The good thing about writing all this in a blog is that I don't know who reads it,I don't know if they think it's good or bad and most of all I don't get advice or punishment for saying what I have.

One thing I have learned through depression and worry and that's the future is still exciting because I have been in times where I could have done something stupid but in truth never had the guts to carry out.
Then from seemingly out of nowhere something/someone amazing has come into my life and changed me and my world.

Places my have gone people my no longer be in my life but their effect is still there and in end the positive outweighs the negative tenfold.






What do we learn from this?

I don't know ether....but giving yourself a hug maybe a clue ;)

Smashed in

Not to moan.
Not to Whine.
Not to take up your precious time.
It's no crime.
To dissapoint and pretend it's fine.
But with a mind like mine.
Broken glass empty of wine.
Held in place by ghostly twine.
I can't function.
Can't move back inline.
and one day it will fall.
All the pieces big and small.
And that's the day I go to the wall.




Christ thing must be easier than this....I don't fucking understand what's what anymore.

Let's scare the children for a change.

Okay take a look at this mans (if he is indeed a man or even human)face and tell me it doesn't frighten you.

If it doesn't scare you at least leave you slightly concerned about the mental state of the individual then I hope you don't mind of I call you a liar.

Nothing personal you understand I just think you must need a look at the fellows face AGAIN,this time think about it this way.
I that harrowing scene in A Clockwork Orange yep that's right when the Droogs were raping the woman and beating the husband to near near they wore masks with long noses.

Those masks managed to make a terrifying situation an even much horrorfying prospect I mean I can't think of many other ordeals worse than being raped but....being raped by men with frightening masks somehow (and I can't be sure how it does) makes it for a more dreadful prospect.

The thing was with that was A Clockwork Orange was an adult film and if you saw the whole picture that scene was justified to illisustrate the brutal and callious characters of the film.
However the man in the picture whose name is....Mr.Noseybonk....OH GREAT A NICE UNWEIRD NAME THEN!

Not only did he have a name that felt like a strange literal translation of a disturbed step-ftaher stroking his penis in the playground but this character was in a childrens programme called Jigsaw.

I also don't care how good the Saw films are but what is disturbing is this Mr.Noseybonk looks even more frightening that the Jigsaw killer in said horror films.

...this is my childhood and this is why I have a mind like a broken mirror.


As Sue Cook says..."Don't have nightmares"

It's 200...or is it 1973?

It's all getting quite 1970's here in the U.K with a recsession that apprently hasn't been seen since the 70's and now it seems the unions are retooling by once again down tooling.

I for one would like to give a call of support to the striking workers,victims of a crashing capitilist system that thinks nothing of what it gives back to society but just what it can take and take once again.
Here lies the crux of the problem Total have been contracted to do work in this country but refuse to take on local workers in favour of Italian workers whom are prepared to wrok for less and live on a boat.

It's not the traveling workers I have any problem with and the strikers have no direct problem with them ethier. However if native workers cannot compete on a level playing field for jobs in thier own country then some action has to be taken to tell Total and our govenment that this is NOT on.

To a certain degree I do like seeing the unions finding new strengh and rediscovering thier power that Thatcher tore from them decades ago however I do fear what other parties will make of this.

Orginisations such as the BNP could see this as just the right time to divide and conquer the public and win votes,if you think the BNP taking offie is a distant nightmare only present on some distopian fiction take a look at how any facist party has got into power.

....scary isn't it.

So I do hope this striking action an foriegn worker issue doesn't mutate into a race issue,let's keep this to the matter at hand and that being striking against the corupting greed of unfeeling multi-national companies.