Only loose ends.

So I passed the interview and now have a place on the course which is fantastic but it is slightly tainted by the fact I still need to enroll properly.

Certain paperwork on the open days didn't get sorted and I need to go back and tie up some loose ends on that,I hate loose ends it makes me anxious but then again sometimes that feels like a naturel state with me :P

I am pushing foward with things so it seems ;)

Bloody nervous.

Tomorrow is the open day at college and I will be having an interview for my Holistic Massage course and I am extremely nervous about it. It's be over seven years since I last set foot in a college and even though this is an adult course the whole thing just worries me.

Obviously it's the fear that they will look at me and think I should be doing the course for whatever reason,the thing is that fear is pretty stupid but still I am a bag of nerves about it.

So fingers crossed for tomorrow and with a little luck I will be a lot happier tomorrow and will be writing about some good news.

A small victory

Yeah I know any excuse to use a Faith No More song as a title for a blog entery...I dearly hope I never have use Stripsearch however.

Anyway back to the point the small vistory in question is finishing a short sotry called W.E.B currently submitted on two horror forums for the critical eye to gaze and muse.
With a little luck I can give this into a horror publication and maybe see it in print,it still needs some minor work to improve it,not in the least grammar and spelling...as usual tsk.

If you want to read it here it is but I may have to take it down depending on wther I am allowed to keep it on when the story gets submitted for publication:

Story deleted because it is set to be published in Filthy Creations five :)

Films of power

I don't take myself seriously which I find is a pretty good tip if you are to survive this life but I do take my films seriously. It's not that I don't love the odd brainless film because I do and pictures that make me laugh until my blander submits are amoung my favourtie movies.

However films that make the most impact with me,ones that I recomend more than any other are films that move me and on occasion even make me cry.
Not in a way which makes you wallow in your own emotions so that you end up feeling sorry for yourself but films that make you realise just how fragile people are and why it's vital to connect with the part of yourself that is far more valuble than any physcial posesstion or physical apprence.

Below is a list that I think you should watch be warned all are moving and some are even distrubing.
None are grapihc in horror or gore but they do deal with core emtional issues that causes us to take a little more care in how we behave,ones with a star denote films that have made me cry.
I am not sure how useful that is to anyone but it is a sign as to how strong some of these films are:




Dead Mans Shoes*

When The Wind Blows

Testement*

The Plauge Dogs

One Night Stand

Threads (this is quite a graphic film actuley)

There are most probably a few more I could add to that list but these are the important ones I want to write down,they are in no particular order and as you can see the list is dominated by films on the theme of nuclear war. They are all worthy of a viewing and if you can get a loved one to watch one with you it does make for something special to share.

Bully

I can't praise William Golding enough for the masterpiece that is Lord of The Flies,forcing us to observe the savagery that growls under the thinnest of skins.

The use of children those whom we deem as the bastion of innocence and untainted by the machinations of the adult world are the tool that Golding uses to tear away the damsel enforced veneer of modern society.
This is the shocking mechanism that makes the reader/audience ask themselves uncomfortable questions upon the more repugnant shadows in their souls.

Personally the most affecting aspect of Goldings work is the sheer naked bullying that was faced by the harmless character Piggy.
Of course Simon the harmless,tender Christ like figure that textured the piece with a sign of redemption for the stranded boys only to be torn down in a barbaric hunt. That could be seen as the pivitol moment in which the boys plunged into the twilight of evil.

However it was the gentler strokes of malicious intent dished out to Piggy that got to me. Initially it looked much like playground behaviour,Ralph betrayed Piggy's trust by telling the rest about calling the boy in question Piggy.
A name that caused the boy distress and pain and maybe this level of teasing is what makes us grow thicker skin and fight back.

However as the story advanced it became apparent that Piggy was singled out for other reasons other than his size and unkind moniker. He couldn't run,nor swim,refused to hunt,deemed many of Jacks ideas as dangerous or stupid.
Jack whom at this point was becoming a factor of dangerous independence leading his hunter pack in diffaince at Ralphs more orded rule held personal contempt towards Piggy.

He put down and isolated Piggy whenever he had the opportunity and his impressionable hunter group took lead from this and copied Jack with verbal abuse.
Despite Piggy's reasoned thinking,logical idea creation and ability to communicate with the other boys (hence encouraging education within the ragged pack) the only value that most of the boys though Piggy offered were his glasses which could create fire for the group.

Throughout this Ralph stuck by Piggy,Ralph a reluctant leader at least understood Piggys reasoning and took refuge in his council and compassion. At some points Ralph looked to Piggy for awnsers in a role reversal for the leader,it was clear that Ralph valued Piggy's friendship because he needed him.

Towards the end Jack and his hunters had completely broken away from Ralphs frail order of authority(taking all but Piggy with him) and raided Ralphs end of the island in order to steal Piggy's glasses. Piggy now with no value and Ralph a leader without power or followers were clearly expendable to Jacks hunters.

Upon the mountain Ralph and Piggy confronted Jack and his group,Piggy tried one last time to reason with the boys and seek some salvation in the mindless actions that had taken place.
Roger who was Jacks right hand man mounted the summit of the bullying of Piggy by sending a rock crashing down upon Piggy's head.
The most chilling outcome of this was the smile on Rogers face at some point there was a transition that allowed evil to enter Rogers soul.

Piggy throughout was the living effigy of everyone bullied put upon individual,a boy who really only had something positive to offer but visually and physically not in step with everyone else.
For that reason he was picked out and destroyed without ever being able to display what he could achieve,crushed under the dank blankness of ignorance and fear.

Piggy's exist in this world,a world not of paper fiction or projected film the one your walking in and sitting at your computer in.

Here and now.

Maybe you know a Piggy.....don't let dark hearts crush him/her.

Did it.

I am sleepy but I have been and done Brighton today (not Saturday as originaly posted) it was nowhere near as painful as I thought and I really enjoyed seeing my friend down there. I admit it was weird being in a place that was once considerd home but with a little time it will again be that same place and especily since I have managed to put a lot behind me with the town.

The one main thing that I was pleased to see again was the sea,the salt air and the crashing waves are a sure way to calm my feelings and sooth me heart.
I sat on the beach with my friend for a while just talking about life,how we got to where we were and where we intend to be.

We didn't know the awnsers to our futures but we both understood what brought us to be in our indvidual situations. In many ways we were/are looking for the same thing but in different ways it was good to learn for each others experence about how we could achive what we wanted.
In terms of releationships we agreed that being single was not as bad as we feared being able to keep your options open to whomever may enter your life is quite exciting.

I did plan on taking my hand fasting ring along with me to throw in the sea as an act to aknowledge that it was time to move ahead with my life but after talking to a friend over the phone I realised there wasn't a need to do that. You can keep your memories and still understand that your life is going foward,so I am going to keep it safe but away from my gaze because I know there will be a time when a warm memory is harmless to look back on.

Another thing I miss about Brighton is the shops,they tend to be eccletic and sell items not found anywhere else,as I am a big fan of note pads (the life blood of my stories) I was pleased to find one shop that sells recylced matrials that are then used for other purposes. I brought a note pad that had it's cover and back made from an old electronic circuit board :D...it looks brilliant and a fantastic addition to my other far more mundane pads.

The weather really wasn't that much to shout about but then the trip was all about making a new friend and starting a fresh I wonderd if the sky was over cast because it was a reflection on clouds hanging over me.

Then it was time to leave and I really didn't want to I wanted to stay but maybe today wasn't the time to do so tomorrow is always going to be there and tomorrow can always be built towards. Now I have goals and targerts,I have a real ambition as to where I want to be and hopefully I won't always be one my own in going foward.

I know it's step by step and after today I feel a have made my way down a road that will give me the life I want.


P.S:

Thank you to S.W (won't say your name you may not want me to) for listening and being nice company it's great to know that I have a friend near the sea :)

Just some lovely songs.

Feeling a little better recently and I think it's something to do with a spot of music threapy I indulged in the last couple of days.

I think at first it was more of a wallow that turned into a bit of self-reflection and then I found myself accpeting a few things that had been worrying me.

So in case you find yourself in a similer postion here a few songs I listened to that just helped me out a bit:

James- Were going to miss you when your gone

The Charlatans- A Man needs to be Told

Ugly Kid Joe- 12 Cents

James- Run Aground



Yes only foure songs but four songs that helped me out,if you aren't sure of the bands or not familer as to how to get to listen to them off the net just leave a comment with a request for a C.D and I can send you these songs along with a number of others that have had the same effect on me.


Oh and I talked to a friend about things and that helped to,don't ever undervalue friends they really will help you through a lot of darkness.