Something about today....

Things can change drasticly in a matter of hours today feels just bleak I am left feeling pretty used up and despite advice from my physcoligist about taking control of your own life it really feels as if that isn't enough.

Early this week I managed to get part time work in a clothes shop near me tere isn't a lot of hours on my basic contract infact I am contrcted to one day a week which is bare minium by anybodys standards.
The problem is that this is all I could get because there just wasn't the vacneys to take and if I am turthful I was lucky to get even that.
The problem is it's terible money and the boss really doesn't care for anything apart from standing around watching you like a hawk making sure you never cease working.

It's left me feeling empty inside as I have worked all my life from the age of 15 (now 27) and only ever not worked due to depression.
So now I am making do with a really pathetic low job which leaves me wondering what was the point of working hard in the past if all my efforts accumliate to this.
When I tell people about the fact I actuley have gained employment thier first reaction is happines then when I tell them the kind of work I do and what the hours I am doing they look really dissapointed in me.

I was speaking to my sister to see what she says and she told me that there really isn't an alturntive and this is really what I will have to do for work unless I have a skill or am inteligent to get a better job.
I felt frustrated and asked what was the point in carrying on breaking your back for nothing she replied telling me we all need money to survive.

That's a deffenate truth.

I told I would rather take a job where your boss is a little more easy going even if the money wasn't great(at the moment I have a dictator boss with lousy money).
I said why don't I just become a roadswepper and not bother about a higher paid job where the stresses obviously effect me...there was no reply.

The problem is I don't think I handle pressure well and let's face it a well paid job has pressure ...otherwise it won't be well paid.
I thought about it for a while and a few of my dreams died I don't know if this is realism finaly sinking in but I used to think if you wanted something bad enough you could get it.
I think I am realising how limited my skills and talents are it feels like my heart just broke but maybe this is real life.

One thing is for sure that no matter what you do no matter how far you go it's never good enough even if you do better than somebody else in life that person still thinks you have failed.

This song below actuley demonstartes my frustration and angry about living up to the world...
So much to say so little time for me, to explain the way I feel
You only see, things the way you want to see them
It makes sense to you all these things you do
You’ve got it all figured out while everyone is confused
How do you do it? (how do it?)
In your mind I'm just blind
You're right all of the time
If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line
I'm not who you are
I'm so sorry (im so sorry)

chorus:
I can't do anything right (right)
You don't know me, stay out of my life (life)
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough
I give all that is me; still it's never enough
So, why try? I give up.
What does it feel like to be in your shoes
And walk over everyone like you do?
Tear me down again, I want you to. (want you to)
You're lovely, so beautiful and
You're perfect in every way.
Your interior rusted and I'm so disgusted
Can't trust it. You're busted.

chorus:
I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

I can't do anything right (repeat)

Is that it?