Something about today....

Things can change drasticly in a matter of hours today feels just bleak I am left feeling pretty used up and despite advice from my physcoligist about taking control of your own life it really feels as if that isn't enough.

Early this week I managed to get part time work in a clothes shop near me tere isn't a lot of hours on my basic contract infact I am contrcted to one day a week which is bare minium by anybodys standards.
The problem is that this is all I could get because there just wasn't the vacneys to take and if I am turthful I was lucky to get even that.
The problem is it's terible money and the boss really doesn't care for anything apart from standing around watching you like a hawk making sure you never cease working.

It's left me feeling empty inside as I have worked all my life from the age of 15 (now 27) and only ever not worked due to depression.
So now I am making do with a really pathetic low job which leaves me wondering what was the point of working hard in the past if all my efforts accumliate to this.
When I tell people about the fact I actuley have gained employment thier first reaction is happines then when I tell them the kind of work I do and what the hours I am doing they look really dissapointed in me.

I was speaking to my sister to see what she says and she told me that there really isn't an alturntive and this is really what I will have to do for work unless I have a skill or am inteligent to get a better job.
I felt frustrated and asked what was the point in carrying on breaking your back for nothing she replied telling me we all need money to survive.

That's a deffenate truth.

I told I would rather take a job where your boss is a little more easy going even if the money wasn't great(at the moment I have a dictator boss with lousy money).
I said why don't I just become a roadswepper and not bother about a higher paid job where the stresses obviously effect me...there was no reply.

The problem is I don't think I handle pressure well and let's face it a well paid job has pressure ...otherwise it won't be well paid.
I thought about it for a while and a few of my dreams died I don't know if this is realism finaly sinking in but I used to think if you wanted something bad enough you could get it.
I think I am realising how limited my skills and talents are it feels like my heart just broke but maybe this is real life.

One thing is for sure that no matter what you do no matter how far you go it's never good enough even if you do better than somebody else in life that person still thinks you have failed.

This song below actuley demonstartes my frustration and angry about living up to the world...
So much to say so little time for me, to explain the way I feel
You only see, things the way you want to see them
It makes sense to you all these things you do
You’ve got it all figured out while everyone is confused
How do you do it? (how do it?)
In your mind I'm just blind
You're right all of the time
If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line
I'm not who you are
I'm so sorry (im so sorry)

chorus:
I can't do anything right (right)
You don't know me, stay out of my life (life)
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough
I give all that is me; still it's never enough
So, why try? I give up.
What does it feel like to be in your shoes
And walk over everyone like you do?
Tear me down again, I want you to. (want you to)
You're lovely, so beautiful and
You're perfect in every way.
Your interior rusted and I'm so disgusted
Can't trust it. You're busted.

chorus:
I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

I can't do anything right (repeat)

Is that it?

Finaly published

It finaly happened I have a story in print for the first time but it still doesn't feel like it has actuley happened until I have got my hands on a copy of it.
It's a story that has been finished for a while now and I made an effort to copy it up on computer and see if I could get it included in this short story collection.

I was plesently suprised that it was accpeted not being the biggest fan of my own work but then your always your own biggest critic.
It's a book that is going to be should online and it looks as if there is going to be a follow up collection to this current one so I can now start putting pen to papaer and write up another story now.
So far this is the most important achivement this year it's a leap foward because my writing is so important to me to take that first step in actuley getting it out there for people to read makes me smile.

I have actuley landed a part time job as well but this isn't such a great achivement even if I am glad I have got some paid work now.
It's a pretty meanial job the problem is I met an old school friend who told me that he could get me a good sales job with good money so I don't really know what to do (I detest sales).

This blog addition is irnoicaly dull for such exciting news but I guess I am being more mechinical with my writing today rather than creative.

Have a good day now ;)

I'll carry you...

This to a friend of mine called Silas who has experenced a targic loss recently and finds himself in a time of dampend spirits and reflection.
I just wish to say my strengh goes out to you to get you through this difficult time but be sure to know it won't be like this for too long.

This is just the intense part of loss something that everyone finds unbearable at times and unwilling to face.
..but it's okay it's alright because it's what humans do you are coping in the way you know how and nobody has a mgic way to do things.
The only reason why it feels so bad is because the person you lost was such a good person and ment so much to you.
Her influence and goodness lives on inside your heart which means she has not gone but still sharing her love with and others through you and the things you do and say.

People are fragile you and I are fragile and times such as these we realise what that actuley means. You see that is good because that means your real and normal like you should be.

Also remeber this the only thing to come out of darkness is light and it always does just let it happen and the rest will follow.

To my dear friend Silas.

Since I was 14.....

Above you will see a scanned image of a human brain of someone with the condition of epilepsy (not mine) the colours make it look pretty spectacular but the condition itself is acutely mysterious.

First of all I have to point out that doctors today are still unsure as to the real cause of epilepsy there are theories as to what could be the reason such as:


-Head injury

-Serious brain infections, such as meningitis,scar tissue on the brain

-Brain tumors

-Brain surgery

-Stroke

-Alzheimer's disease or other diseases that change the brains structure
Any condition that keeps blood or oxygen from getting to the brain (e.g. hardening of the arteries)

-Alcohol or drug abuse

-Brain injury during fetal development

-Trauma during birth (such as lack of oxygen).

-High fever (in children)

-Certain medications

As you can tell there a host of possibilities but nobody acutely knows or can pin point a cause at least not yet anyway.
Since I was 14 I have suffered from epilepsy one chilly winter morning I was in school and out playing football with friends at breaktime and without warning I blacked out.
I remember waking up with a crowd of people around me mostly friends and some teachers too I didn't know where I was and the I could only sense things like smells and the taste of my own blood in my mouth.
It caused quite a sensation and thanks to the help of some really good friends of mine an ambulance came in short time.
I felt as if something important had happened to me but I could tell what or why I found it impossible to walk.

It was as if I had been blasted with a paralyzing ray of somekind I had no energy,my tongue was painful because I bite down hard onto it and all I wanted to do was sleep.
I was checked over at hospital and told that this was an epileptic fit and it was possible this could be my one and only siezue.

Well around two years passed and I had been clear of any such complications the notion of me suffering from such a condition had all but evaporated.
Until one day in December where I had my second fit it was pretty nasty and I scared my little brother soo much he hid under the table(I must have looked like a wild man).

Shortly after this I was told by my specialist to have a brain scan the results revealed I had some excess electrical brain activity that indicated I had epilepsy.
basically when you have a fit you brain goes through something of an electrical storm and due to the complicate nature of the neurons in the brain this causes turmoil.
The brain then shuts down much like a computer does when it crashes and then reboots after a time setting up itself to work properly once more.

A lot has happened between when I was first diagnosed at 16 and now 27 some terrifying some character building but I am still here and epilepsy is one condition where doctors can offer a lot of help for you.
My medication (touch wood) is working very well I have even got to the point that when I get enough money together I can take driving lessons.

So it was strange when a friend of mine told me I reminded him of a character Simon from my favarourite book Lord Of The Flies.
Simon is the character that discovers the pigs head on a spear and the shock causes him to have an epileptic seizue.
In the book he as seen as some type of prophet figure claiming that the pig is a beast due to his hallucinations whilst having a siezue.
It was strange as my friend didn't take this into account and it was the most bizarre comment to make me smile I have had in a long time.

There is always something to learn about yourself if you look hard enough and if you look for the good things and take into account the bad with the same humble demeanor you shall be fine :)

A-Team fight scenes

Okay so this isn't dark,moody and reflective so in that case I should acutely get people reading this post hoho ;)

I am up at the early hours as usual(this time I am working on my horror short stories however:) ) and on the box is the A-Team.
Right I looked up at the T.V screen for a few seconds to see the MOST inept bunch of crooks on the face of the planet.

First of all Murdoch knocks-out a large black junk yard worker by slamming a car door in his stomach???
He proceeds to creep along the roof tops of wrecked cars to aid his fellow A-Teamers who are being held at gun point.
The criminals all seem to be as intelligent as a pork chop and not a well seasoned one at that. Anyway when Murdoch gets to the edge of the last junked out car he says "Okay pilgrims put down yer irons.." Or words to that effect(oh and it's funny how in some parts of England being called an iron is a snide way of being called homosexual HAHA!)

Well as usual the criminals all look up in unison mouths gaping which leads to the most bizarre fight scene I have seen in ages...Basically like this:

Hannibal (40/50 years old) leaps vertical up towards the head crook which cuts to a scene of him colliding into the guy like a begalise tiger???

B.A bonks a small mustachio man on the head and the guy tumbles to the floor as if he was made of play doh???

.....And that annoying passionless TWAT Face has the most effeminate fisty cuffs with another junk yard felon. All the while smiling his porcelain grin and making sure the crook doesn't hit him in the face before disposing of the said naughty fellow.

The thing that annoys me is this programme was suppose to evoke unruly and violent behavior into me as a kid and nearly got banned from I.T.V as a result.
All I have to say is if the govenment at that time saw a apocalyptic future of all conflict between man choreographed by Wayne sleep then yes maybe the A-Team would have worried you.
However if that vision of a nightmarish future has never caused you to lose any sleep(not Wayne this time) then you may see my point.

Dark Motorways and long dead Motocades

If a car drove down a motorway with out streetlights and without headlights. If the driver was cloaked in darkness not being able to see backwards forwards or sideways would he/she be making progress.

Would the road be leading anywhere or is it a strech of endless tarmac where the journey only ends when the car runs out of fuel.
Should the person turn around and go back to look for a turning he missed or is it impossible to do,Perhaps all they can remember was one straight road and only the illusion of alternative routes.
Could you even hear the engine it could be roaring like a pride of lions but would it be heard by a single living sole.

Just imagine this person gets out the car pulls up at the laybye and waits if his appointment was with bleak nothingness he would be early.
The driver sits down on the verge and looks...Examines tire tracks and barriers made filthy through fumes.
Listen and you too can hear the specters of the past the old traffic jams the bleating horns of angry vehicles. All gone now all away from here this driver has missed it all I think this driver whomever they may be couldn't take the struggle. They felt the rigid motorcade and furious jaw snapping people were too much to take.

However they are all somewhere finally in a place who knows where but you can be sure there is light there and warmth and company.
This driver swapped all this in preference for the cold dark night the lightless void too which he alone owned...Or did it own the driver.

The sun had set and died here the night pushing it down and ripping it away from the sky so the driver walked back to the car.
Sat down and thought,eyes closed the driver flicked a switched one that failed time after time praying and sweating chilling tears from the skin the switch was slowly turned again.

This time not only did the engine growl and thunder against the unfriendly twilight but the headlights came on ...The driver gasped ...Crying shocked something had happened.

Something force him to carry on...To drive forward and refuse to turn the head back...To eat the road up with the vehicles tires.
The driver visualized a destination ...One with light,warmth and people.....And if the lights can be turned on so can the destination.

Off the Cuff Blood...

Right down below is a straight off the cuff peice of writing that has no direction or real purpose other than to see where my thoughts go and to see how it turns out on text :)

Battling from the shore he fought off hordes of the armoued demons. The tide raging behind him the froth and foam the sea bit the shore with a toothless mouth but rabid bite.

The masked invaders feet sunk in the wet sands as he trudged to the mainlaand crushing the swarming demons like soo man tin cans.
Reacing soild his progress became labourd and slow striking his sword into the soil to gain balance and purchase into the vile land.
The demons slain he viewed his horizen the dark red skies hummed with malice and war the struggle had only just began and maybe he was too late.

Even with his might may not be enough to even the odds this clash of forces,this final pursuit of destiny may have already been lost yet still the warrior continued.
He must the people of this diseased soild had activated his exsistance tharwed him from his glacial rest.
Stood tall upon the hill side he noticed to the west the burning fortresses the smoke bellowed a smog of roasting flesh and crushed machinery.
East held little promise of hope the legions of skeletal buzzards massed upon any living and free thinking being and tore them to shreds,eating,ripping.

The warrior progressed north the great grey plains of dead grass lay ahead and so did the forces breed to stop him those three deadly creations that could only be made but not born due to thier diabolical darkness.
The warrior roared into the raw crimson heavens he cried for rain to aid him and it came hard and fast to quell the fires and aid the populas of this dying terrian.

This quest had only started and he must finish it NOW he must furfil the pact he made thousands of years ago, A pact sealed by spitirt and will....




Okay...that started off in my head as just a vision of something stroming a shore battling things...hehe...it turned into something else along the way :)..I don't have clue if it will ever be used.