Friday, 23 June 2006

I'll carry you...

This to a friend of mine called Silas who has experenced a targic loss recently and finds himself in a time of dampend spirits and reflection.
I just wish to say my strengh goes out to you to get you through this difficult time but be sure to know it won't be like this for too long.

This is just the intense part of loss something that everyone finds unbearable at times and unwilling to face.
..but it's okay it's alright because it's what humans do you are coping in the way you know how and nobody has a mgic way to do things.
The only reason why it feels so bad is because the person you lost was such a good person and ment so much to you.
Her influence and goodness lives on inside your heart which means she has not gone but still sharing her love with and others through you and the things you do and say.

People are fragile you and I are fragile and times such as these we realise what that actuley means. You see that is good because that means your real and normal like you should be.

Also remeber this the only thing to come out of darkness is light and it always does just let it happen and the rest will follow.

To my dear friend Silas.

Tuesday, 20 June 2006

Since I was 14.....

Above you will see a scanned image of a human brain of someone with the condition of epilepsy (not mine) the colours make it look pretty spectacular but the condition itself is acutely mysterious.

First of all I have to point out that doctors today are still unsure as to the real cause of epilepsy there are theories as to what could be the reason such as:

-Head injury

-Serious brain infections, such as meningitis,scar tissue on the brain

-Brain tumors

-Brain surgery


-Alzheimer's disease or other diseases that change the brains structure
Any condition that keeps blood or oxygen from getting to the brain (e.g. hardening of the arteries)

-Alcohol or drug abuse

-Brain injury during fetal development

-Trauma during birth (such as lack of oxygen).

-High fever (in children)

-Certain medications

As you can tell there a host of possibilities but nobody acutely knows or can pin point a cause at least not yet anyway.
Since I was 14 I have suffered from epilepsy one chilly winter morning I was in school and out playing football with friends at breaktime and without warning I blacked out.
I remember waking up with a crowd of people around me mostly friends and some teachers too I didn't know where I was and the I could only sense things like smells and the taste of my own blood in my mouth.
It caused quite a sensation and thanks to the help of some really good friends of mine an ambulance came in short time.
I felt as if something important had happened to me but I could tell what or why I found it impossible to walk.

It was as if I had been blasted with a paralyzing ray of somekind I had no energy,my tongue was painful because I bite down hard onto it and all I wanted to do was sleep.
I was checked over at hospital and told that this was an epileptic fit and it was possible this could be my one and only siezue.

Well around two years passed and I had been clear of any such complications the notion of me suffering from such a condition had all but evaporated.
Until one day in December where I had my second fit it was pretty nasty and I scared my little brother soo much he hid under the table(I must have looked like a wild man).

Shortly after this I was told by my specialist to have a brain scan the results revealed I had some excess electrical brain activity that indicated I had epilepsy.
basically when you have a fit you brain goes through something of an electrical storm and due to the complicate nature of the neurons in the brain this causes turmoil.
The brain then shuts down much like a computer does when it crashes and then reboots after a time setting up itself to work properly once more.

A lot has happened between when I was first diagnosed at 16 and now 27 some terrifying some character building but I am still here and epilepsy is one condition where doctors can offer a lot of help for you.
My medication (touch wood) is working very well I have even got to the point that when I get enough money together I can take driving lessons.

So it was strange when a friend of mine told me I reminded him of a character Simon from my favarourite book Lord Of The Flies.
Simon is the character that discovers the pigs head on a spear and the shock causes him to have an epileptic seizue.
In the book he as seen as some type of prophet figure claiming that the pig is a beast due to his hallucinations whilst having a siezue.
It was strange as my friend didn't take this into account and it was the most bizarre comment to make me smile I have had in a long time.

There is always something to learn about yourself if you look hard enough and if you look for the good things and take into account the bad with the same humble demeanor you shall be fine :)

Sunday, 18 June 2006

Fun and regret

Last night was fun but I got a little carrried away with someone who is VERY attached to a VERY good friend of mine.
I woke up this morning with various memories of the night before flooding back to me and one particular moment stung me like an angry hornet.


Deffently one of those "I wish I didn't do that" moment the major reason wasn't so much the drink as being single for so long.
I don't really trust come on's from girls all to much and as freindly as I am I really become paranoid when I think someone likes me.
My friends girlfreind was really effectionate towards me a couple of nights ago and last night just as much.
I made a pass at her and she suddenly stopped and said "heeeey" it felt as if I just crashed into the side of a lorry and went head first through the windscreen.

I felt dirty,guilty and such a horrible bastard she is a great friend of mine and I have known her guy for ages and he is a close friend too.
In a moment of madness it seemed as if I didn't care about all that and just went and done something really dumb.
It's not an excuse just when someone tells you that your really attractive and hugs and gives you lot's of little kisses you tend read things even if you shouldn't and you should riegn in those thoughts.

Strange thing is it was a fantastic night it was the morning after that really hurt I got a phone call from the friend of mine who is involved with that girl he seemed as happy as he ever was and asked me to join them at the river side for a few drinks.
I couldn't go and actuley thought it was wise to let the dust settle because I knew she would be there.

However come Tuesday I am seeing all my friends again and I am worried how she will react when she see's me next.
I can be such a horse's arse when I put my mind in a lower gear I hope to God things will wash over and this can be forgoten about as quickly as possible.

...Ironicly I have actuley immortilised this moment by putting it in my blog...hmmm...maybe I will laugh about it later...I hope.