I am at the tail end of getting over a break up I am not quite there yet but near the point where I can think about the other person and not slump back into wishes for a dead season. It's taken a lot of work and time and a ton of support from many a listening ear from all over everywhere but it seems things are starting to work.
Usually I don't say too much about personal situations like this I am far more likely be to more discrete or dot around the edges of the subject concentrating more on what I am doing rather than what happened and why it came to be.
However this time I need to get a little bit angry....I need to say a few things that has made my persona draw a little blood after an emotionally brutal period of my life...but no let's not sell the drama and too much imagery could distract from the issues I want to make clear.
So let's actually get to the point.
A break up is usually horrible and almost always 50/50 in terms of fault,whether ether party wish to acknowledge or appreciate that fact at the time is up to them, but it's not surprising within the fury of a FINAL argument that this particular fact isn't understood by the warring factions.
So then it's wise to clear the area of conflict for a time and give each other time to breath because if you don't the chances are frustrated passion and shattered dreams will turn into hatred for each other.
Contact at this point is hard because you are both going to in a state of shock this lends itself well to a numb sense of being polite to each other. Only being able to work in simple forms of "hellos","Hope your well" and maybe the odd "I'm sorry it ended like this"....for a time this keeps a lot of unnessecry hurt at bay.
The problem comes when you have been through all the motions that lead you to need to contact the other person if person A has collected all their things from person B's place there is really no need for person A to contact them. This point gains even more purchase if person B is seeing another person at this point.
Then you realise or I should say more truthfully now I realise the amount of utter loss that comes from a break up.
I don't wish for things to be back as they were because that cannot happen but to suddenly have to act in a way that you have to pretend the other doesn't exist any more not only makes me sad but angry at the total waste it all is.
To me this is what I lost:
- My best friend
- My belief support
- A person who believed I wasn't the things that I worried about being
- My lover
- My soul mate (connecting on lot's of different levels)
- My companion
- A woman who liked some of most obscure stupid,silly and down right daft things that I liked
- My love
That list makes things sound completely bleak but I assure you I have managed to claw a lot back with help from friends,family and my own will. I put a lot of the loss down to my inexperience with long term relationships I also put the loss down to the woman I was with thinking I was the man she had been looking for all her life.
The bigger tragedy is I wasn't I may well be to somebody else but not the woman I was with,she may have thought so at the time but as hindsight is always 20/20 it was only something she could have known for sure after being with me for a while. I am learning to accept that she wasn't the one for me ether and none of my anger is directed at her but all of it is at the total waste of losing someone I would have gladly been a friend of the rest of my life. I used to have a hand fasting ring which basicly meant that we were together and under pagan law acted as marriage (she was Dianic Wiccan you see) but for the life of me I can't find it which I guess is symbolic.
The good thing about writing about this on a blog which is kept as a record is that at some point I can look back at it from a much better position and with a little luck may even see the situation I am in right now as something quite alien.
This is only the end of round 1 the fight has barley begun :)